Special Awards

Now my special baseball awards -

Best Name: Curtis Thigpen
Runner-Up: Boof Bonser
(Note: This particular award may not change from year to year...)

I would like to highlight an extraordinary player from last season, of whom little notice was taken: Curtis Thigpen. I propose that a movement be started to support Blue Jay's catcher and first baseman Curtis Thigpen in his quest to become the greatest athlete of his era. I suggest that a group of fans buy pig suits and call themselves "Thigpen's Pigpen" and sit together. Whenever he comes to bat or makes one of the exceptional defensive plays he's known for, the fans can make oinking noises to support him. The idea for this came to me last year while watching Philadelphia fans cheer on Sal Fasano. So, while we're at it, lets combine theater of the absurd with the sport of the absurd and come up with a cheering section for a player on each team. Thank you Curtis Earl Thigpen III, Esq. for having such a delightful name. I'll be right there, cheering you on...wearing a pig suit.

Most Mentally Unstable: Milton Bradley
Runner-Up: Ichiro

Now this is not really a shocker. Bradley's persecution complex and refusal to believe that he is the cause of any of his problems places him squarely on the top of this list. I saw a brief interview of him on the Best Goddamn Sports Show Ever Made and he is rather close to being delusional. Ichiro was a close second, and that may surprise some people. If you read some of his quotes however, it will soon become clear that this man is playing with a broken bat. For instance, the great one about punching himself in the face if he ever said he was excited to go to Cleveland, the one about Matsuzaka reigniting the dormant fire in his soul, and my personal favorite highlighting his racist hatred of Korea saying that it smelled like garlic.

Most Obnoxious Umpire: Bruce Froemming
Runner-Up: C.B. Bucknor

This very old and somewhat venerated umpire has long been known for his incredibly loud strike call. I would like to point out that the strike call, which is his signature, is also incredibly annoying. Especially if the pitchers are having a good game; a 20 strikeout game with Bruce Froemming behind the plate might be intolerable. I say C.B. Bucknor is obnoxious because he's constantly getting into arguments with players, instead of trying to defuse tensions he often seems to escalate them.

Best Representative for our Generation: Zach Greinke
Runner-Up: Adam LaRoche

Had to leave baseball for a year because of Social Anxiety Disorder, the generation turning 20 now is Generation Anxious. However, he has come back strong; mad props. Mr. LaRoche has our generations other favorite disorder: ADD.

And now some awards in the style of senior superlatives -

Most likely to eat another competitor to gain his powers:
Ichiro Suzuki

This man is far too obsessed with winning.

Most likely to traumatize a small child:
David Ortiz

By all accounts he is a wonderful person and he certainly seems to be a nice guy in his interviews, but he drops more F-bombs after striking out then anyone in baseball.

Most likely to kill a squirrel that has run onto the field:
Roy Oswalt

Have you ever read an article about this guy hunting? He goes all out, he just likes to kill animals.