Slight Delay

I'd like to thank my blog's two faithful readers for patiently waiting for an update. I have been on Sabbatical these past months and have traveled the world in an attempt to attain enlightenment, instead I received syphilis and a bad case of the runs. Without further ado I shall present to you a new post.

Special Awards

Now my special baseball awards -

Best Name: Curtis Thigpen
Runner-Up: Boof Bonser
(Note: This particular award may not change from year to year...)

I would like to highlight an extraordinary player from last season, of whom little notice was taken: Curtis Thigpen. I propose that a movement be started to support Blue Jay's catcher and first baseman Curtis Thigpen in his quest to become the greatest athlete of his era. I suggest that a group of fans buy pig suits and call themselves "Thigpen's Pigpen" and sit together. Whenever he comes to bat or makes one of the exceptional defensive plays he's known for, the fans can make oinking noises to support him. The idea for this came to me last year while watching Philadelphia fans cheer on Sal Fasano. So, while we're at it, lets combine theater of the absurd with the sport of the absurd and come up with a cheering section for a player on each team. Thank you Curtis Earl Thigpen III, Esq. for having such a delightful name. I'll be right there, cheering you on...wearing a pig suit.

Most Mentally Unstable: Milton Bradley
Runner-Up: Ichiro

Now this is not really a shocker. Bradley's persecution complex and refusal to believe that he is the cause of any of his problems places him squarely on the top of this list. I saw a brief interview of him on the Best Goddamn Sports Show Ever Made and he is rather close to being delusional. Ichiro was a close second, and that may surprise some people. If you read some of his quotes however, it will soon become clear that this man is playing with a broken bat. For instance, the great one about punching himself in the face if he ever said he was excited to go to Cleveland, the one about Matsuzaka reigniting the dormant fire in his soul, and my personal favorite highlighting his racist hatred of Korea saying that it smelled like garlic.

Most Obnoxious Umpire: Bruce Froemming
Runner-Up: C.B. Bucknor

This very old and somewhat venerated umpire has long been known for his incredibly loud strike call. I would like to point out that the strike call, which is his signature, is also incredibly annoying. Especially if the pitchers are having a good game; a 20 strikeout game with Bruce Froemming behind the plate might be intolerable. I say C.B. Bucknor is obnoxious because he's constantly getting into arguments with players, instead of trying to defuse tensions he often seems to escalate them.

Best Representative for our Generation: Zach Greinke
Runner-Up: Adam LaRoche

Had to leave baseball for a year because of Social Anxiety Disorder, the generation turning 20 now is Generation Anxious. However, he has come back strong; mad props. Mr. LaRoche has our generations other favorite disorder: ADD.

And now some awards in the style of senior superlatives -

Most likely to eat another competitor to gain his powers:
Ichiro Suzuki

This man is far too obsessed with winning.

Most likely to traumatize a small child:
David Ortiz

By all accounts he is a wonderful person and he certainly seems to be a nice guy in his interviews, but he drops more F-bombs after striking out then anyone in baseball.

Most likely to kill a squirrel that has run onto the field:
Roy Oswalt

Have you ever read an article about this guy hunting? He goes all out, he just likes to kill animals.

ESPN

ESPN, known for pushing the boundaries of polite television, has again brought us to the brink of obscenity. Well-known reporter Steve Berthiaume boldly attacked censorship by just saying the word "schmuck", meaning foreskin, on national television. Baseball Tonight will never again be seen as a clean family program...but who am I kidding, it's on at 1:45 in the morning, who would watch that, much less take any notice of what was said? Certainly not me...

Phormulaic

Phirst oph, I'd like to point out the phact that the Phillies are in the playophs. Phor those of you who didn't know, this gives headline writers for major websites, magazines, and newspapers the opportunity to "ph" in place of "f" in every instance where that sound occurs and even to search out instances and puns where they can use it. Iph I had known in advance that this was going to happen, I never would have supported the Fillies in their phight to the post-season...

On that note it appears that the Phillies won't be in the playoffs much longer. Guess I was wrong...

Miscellaneous Musings

Watching the Rockies beat the Padres to make it into the playoffs was the second best moment of my life, the first being the time I found my wallet after losing it for a night. Man, was that a pleasant feeling...Honestly though, for me it was one of the most exciting moments in baseball for a while.

Save yourself some time and don't rent the movie Psychopathia Sexualis. The most disturbing thing in this movie is the acting.

The Knicks lost the sexual harassment lawsuit brought against them by a former employee. Ironic seeing as the Knicks have been getting harassed by the rest of the NBA since the turn of the millennium.

South Korean President Roh Moo Hyun visited North Korean demi-god Kim Jong Il this week and presented him with "gifts" as the Korean Central News Agency called them. With how backwards North Korea is the South Koreans probably included the gift of fire.

There is one thing holding baseball back right now: running technique. That's right, not steroids, not poor umpiring, not selfish athletes, not inept commissioners, and not greedy owners: poor running form. Watching the Padres-Rockies one game playoff the other day and seeing Matt Holliday round third base made me sick. Watching the replay I saw that his arms weren't pumping right, his back was arched, his heels were hitting the ground...it was horrible. He was moving slower than a Trevor Hoffman change-up. I have noticed this inability to run correctly in several other players, most notably in the Cardinal's Albert Pujols and the Yankees Robinson Cano. These are players who could be much faster if they ran correctly. I would like to put it out there that I would be willing to work as a running coach for any major league team. I'm warning you GM's though, my starting salary has to be at least six figures. (That's right, I'm not above embellishing a problem to get myself a sinecure, let's start a movement people. I figure I'll get an offer from at least the Royals, but who wants to work for them?)

I personally believe that the post-season is a big toss up after reading Moneyball and seeing the Cardinals win the world series last year. With that being said, here are my predictions for the baseball post-season:

Indians over Yankees
A-Rod chokes, but on a clubhouse sandwich without the crusts cut off(see Jeff Francoeur), Yanks can't win without his bat. But seriously, I like the Indians pitching.

Red Sox over Angels
The Red Sox have better pitching and hitting than the Angels, and without Gary Matthews Jr. the Angels just don't have enough "juice" to overcome the Red Sox.

Diamondbacks over Cubs
I like the Diamondbacks and they really have no reason to be in the post-season at all, so naturally I chose them. I also hold strong beliefs in magic, conspiracy theories, a flat earth, and, of course, curses.

Phillies over Rockies
I believe this match-up is very close to being even with the Phillies having a slight advantage because of their incredible offense.

THEN:
Indians over Red Sox
The Red Sox, disheartened by not facing the Yankees in the ALCS, will give up. Maybe Travis Hafner will be really good in the post-season.

Phillies over Diamondbacks
The Diamondbacks would have to bat Micah Owings every game to beat Philadelphia.

THEN:
Indians over Phillies
In the year when the Phitin' Phils recorded their 10,000th loss a franchise...they'll lose four more.

I'd like to thank Peter King for the general style of this article.

Hoffman Haiku

Hoffman walks alone
the Rockies coldly mock him
he sucks in the clutch

The Mark Schlereth Football Dictionary

Mark Schlereth is the former Denver Bronco offensive lineman who is now the incredibly serious analyst for ESPN. Here is his football dictionary:

Athlete: A man or manish woman who has decided to step-up and compete to win.

Disaster: Things that put football in perspective.

Football: A sacred game, nay, a way of life, something that is to be treated with respect and dignity

Head Coach: The person who runs the team and who ensures that the will of the team will not tire, will not falter, will not fail.

Injury: A word weak people use to describe inconsequential ailments; pathetic excuse for poor performance

Leader: Someone who has dedicated their life to football as a monk has dedicated his to God.

Life: A trivial distraction from football

Lineman: The heart and soul of a team, the men who do the dirty work and who duck the spotlight, true heroes

Loser: Someone whose personality defects and weak character lead to on-the-field failure

“Poor Player”: Someone who isn’t trying hard enough, someone who doesn’t have the proper respect for football; enemy of Mark Schlereth.

Quarterback: A leader who must rally the troops and drive them to victory through willpower and occasional vertical passing; John Elway

Replacement Player: Someone who needs to STEP-UP

Respect: What everyone is looking for, a sacred principle of the utmost importance

Rookie: A player who does not yet understand how to play football or how to win.

Running Back: A player who’s will to gain positive yardage can will a football team to victory

Veteran: The true backbone of the team, a player who knows how to win, often includes backup players and “team leaders”

Winner: Someone who understands footballs and respects the game and the principles involved, a team player, a veteran, Mark Schlereth